Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Siskel & Ebert, Eat Your Hearts Out!

Dear Readers, I attempted to take a long sojourn from reality this weekend and got sick. Ironic, is it not? Obviously, reality is hard taskmaster, and I’m her faithful bitch. However, in the last few days, mixed in with the nausea and hot flashes I did preview several films. See my rating system below:

****- A damn good film, I didn’t throw up once!

***- Chunky, with a little bit of flavor as it came up.

**- Lacking in substance, watery at best.

*- About as exciting as dry heaving after a night of drinking

1) Wall Street- ***- 3 STARS

Plot Summary: A young Wall Street exec is intoxicated by the high life of money, women and power and screws the rest of the cast over to accomplish his selfish aims. Eventually, he rescues himself from a life of moral depravity and comes clean.

Nugget of Wisdom: When a man faces the abyss he finds his character, which happens to be the only thing stopping him from falling into the abyss.

2) The Notorious Bettie Page- **- 2 STARS

First of all, I love Bettie Page. She totally gave the moral majority in America “THE FINGER” with her pin-up photos in the 1950’s, THEE era of repressed sexuality. But, in the film she was portrayed as a weak victim of the porn industry instead of the kick ass GRRL she is, and that my friends, is intolerable.

Plot Summary: Southern girl rebels against her religious upbringing goes to NYC, conquers the city, takes kinky pictures, and gets investigated by the Senate.

Nugget of Wisdom: We all have to decide what is right or wrong for us based on our own moral truths, even in spite of the warped truths our parents used to control us when we were children.

3) The Producers-*- 1 STAR

Plot summary: I only saw the first 20 minutes of the movie. The sheer dullness of the film put me to sleep immediately, I mean, it was a musical starring Matthew Brodrick for god’s sake!

Nugget of Wisdom: Musicals are not made for the faint-of-heart, or sickly population of the world. Fat jolly people only need apply here.

4) An Inconvenient Truth- ** ½- 2 AND ONE-HALF STARS

Plot Summary: Al Gore infuses us with wisdom in a lecture-style type format. This movie was about global warming, the causes and affects of it. Now, I’m not saying it wasn’t a hard-hitting educational piece on why we’ll all be dead in 50 years, however, the random digressions about how Gore was robbed of the 2004 presidency were off topic and hardly relevant to the subject matter at hand.

Nugget of Wisdom: Mother Earth is in serious trouble, it’s time to start working for change. Or, be obliterated from existence because of our own stupidity.

5) Syriana- ****- 4 STARS!

Plot Summary: The oil business is big money and big corruption. Greed is good for the predators, the prey, however, have a difficult time staying alive. The plot is quite complex as many different stories interweave to form the overall message of the film, which is to stay connected. We are all one, how profound, indeed.

Nugget of Wisdom: Watch this film with a dictionary, Middle Eastern history book, and Internet access available. You will be stopping the film at various intervals to understand what the hell just happened.

6) Enemy of the State- ***- 3 STARS

Plot Summary: A lawyer is framed, as he is found by the government to hold significant evidence of the government’s intention to spy on its citizens. (Hello Patriot Act!) The lawyer is followed, wire-tapped, and hunted down by government-sponsored assassins in order to stop the lawyer from going public with the top-secret information.

Nugget of Wisdom: Big brother is upon us, barring down with his steely eyes. Better hide.

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