Your Leggings are Sooo Gangster

Saturday night was debauchery at its finest. I stumbled home at the lovely hour of 4:30 am after some serious Jack Daniels consumption. Still drunk, I forced my happy ass out of bed at 8:30 am and tackled the next day with vigor as self-imposed penance for my naughty behavior the night before. Please allow me to share with you a quick re-cap of the evening:

TWO BITCHES TERRORIZE THE CITY: AN EPIC TALE

Fellow sass-pot, Miss M and I began terrorizing the city of Sioux Falls at about 10:30pm. Miss M is new in town and I,of course, her attentive tour guide. Now, don’t get me wrong, Miss M is a helluva good time, as feisty as they come. However, taking random stabs at strangers proved to be not a good idea. Go figure. Miss M is definitely NOT afraid of stating the obvious, plus her stare reduces men to a pile of rubble. Additionally, Miss M wasn’t adverse to the idea of offending random women throughout the evening either. Hell, neither was I for the matter. For once in my life I said whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and it was damn liberating at the time. Although in retrospect, I probably was just behaving like a drunken diva.

For example, at one point during the night, a couple of tall dark n’ handsome boys approached us and said politely:

“Hey ladies how are you tonight?”

To which Miss M. replied sarcastically, “Super!” in a child-like tone.

I nearly fell off my chair. They were dumbfounded.
I almost felt bad for them, almost.

But, then, we were off to other various destinations. At the end of the evening, Miss M. and I went to three differently house parties. At the first party, I asked some girl if she wanted to “take it outside.” (WHAT?) I think I might’ve lost my mind at that point. (It was the JACK, I swear!) At the next party, I stumbled around the house screaming about the Socratic Method and Dr. Evil in one breath. Then, I made out with some guy as I crossed the threshold to the door and said my good-byes.

At the end of this classy evening, we ended up in a kitchen with a grown man wearing an aluminum skirt/thong. (G-string, no less!) This fine young gentleman was also wearing a tie and had vegetable oil smeared all over his ass. Yes, that’s right, at some point during the evening he discovered the leather belt blows didn’t hurt as bad after the oil had been applied. Not to be outdone, I grabbed the belt, bent it in half, and took a mighty crack at his bare ass. Needless to say, that will leave a mark.

In hindsight, comments like “your presence has renewed my faith in the death penalty” and “I’m sorry honey; I don’t speak to people with less than a 8th grade education” might’ve been better left unsaid. However, one can always dare to dream.