Wednesday, October 17, 2007

E- Dating: Finding love (or sex!) on the Internet

Is there a shortage of available sexy man candy in close vicinity? Do you struggle to find a decent relationship within a 100 mile radius? Are you so bloody sick of the specimens in your neighbor hood you’re considering a move to Siberia? If so, on-line dating could be viable option. Now, it may seem like Sally is just overflowing with applicants, but readers, I live in a small Midwestern city. Interesting men/women are not the norm here (think football Sunday at the nearest sports bar with beer & hot wings and topics ranging from who scored the last touch down to NASCAR.) In this environment, a girl could feasibly go crazy. In order to avoid the asylum, I’ve dipped a couple of toes in the on-line pool, mostly out of boredom or curiosity. And, I’ll admit, once or twice to indulge in a wildly inappropriate long-distance relationship.

My first on-line dating experience started back in my lesbian days on yahoo.com. When I signed up, I was a lonely heartbroken lesbian searching for quality ass. I had, what I thought was, a relatively intriguing profile. However, I got almost no action from my witty “about me” section. But I didn’t have a picture posted, and in retrospect, I probably just sounded haughty instead of witty. A few women sent me “ice breakers” and commented on my profile, but it wasn’t the girl pile I was expecting.

Eventually, after thoroughly exhausting my lesbian options, I decided to join Match.com, again, with no profile picture. However, this time around the gods smiled favorably upon Sally. It may be worth noting, Match.com does have a “woman seeking woman” alternative, however, there were very few women in my area…slim pickings, as one would say. Slightly defeated, I went hunting for boys instead. Men started appearing in rapid succession out of nowhere. My inbox was flooded with requests, so I started picking ‘em off one by one.

Match. com Guy Number One was a long-haired Pisces Painter with a pierced cock. We exchanged a few flirty emails before he gave me the digits. Anxious for my first Internet hook-up, I called him that same night. We agreed to meet at a well-lit public location. Twenty minutes later, cruising the isles of my local bookstore, I ran into Mr. Pierced Cock in a black trench coat. We talked spiritedly for another hour before I left with him. Upon arriving at his house, I discovered, in true starving artist fashion, the guy lived in a complete dump. But, I was horny and willing to overlook the piles of dirty laundry. The guy continued to call me for weeks afterward, but the memories of dirty laundry and garbage strewn about still haunted me. I never spoke with him again.

Match.com Guy Number Two was lanky young Piscean with a fondness for anal sex. He lived about two and half hours from me, so on New Year’s Eve, after a few weeks of phone calls and emails, I drove to his hometown. I should’ve turned around when I walked into his mother’s house and saw some lanky goofy guy beaming back at me. But, readers, I was already committed. I made the drive, hadn’t I? He took me to a local bar where I met half the members of his family while I gritted my teeth and feigned interest. Finally, we left the bar and returned back to mom’s house. Too drunk to care, I sat down the air mattress quasi-bed and started to undress him. After all, tall skinny boy did have some fuck appeal, in an awkward kind of way. Much to my surprise, the guy had a relatively large member AND used it well. I fell asleep in his arms dreaming about mom. The next morning I left with promises to see him again soon, and with a cock of that magnitude, I meant it.

After exploring my local options on Match.com, I decided to continue my search beyond borders. As my Capricorn/Virgo sister often declares smartly, “I’m writing my thesis on International Cock”, thus, eHarmony seemed perfect for vehicle for a foreign merger. eHarmony “daters” are required to take a personality assessment and then all your matches are delivered straight to your inbox. Daters are unable to cruise profiles or contact those who don’t match their criteria. This, in theory, eliminates those who aren’t compatible.

Additionally, eHarmony maintains they have a “Scientifically Proven Compatibility Matching System.” Now, Sally knows animalistic passion isn’t derived from a “scientific system”, but I’ll tell you what is…. marriages. eHarmony states on their website that “90 eHarmony members get married every single day!” eHarmony, evidently, is Thee Place for desperate 30 somethings to met and slap a ring on a finger. Since marriage is a disgusting social institution with zero appeal, I should’ve realized from the beginning, eharmony was a little too science-y for me.

eHarmony Guy Number One was a boring Libra with too much respect for authority. The guy lived far far away from Sally, which, in the end, was a blessing. The courtship (on eHarmony it is a fucking courtship with “steps” and all!) was, again, rather short. I started emailing him in July and was on a plane to visit him by the end of August. The guy was a decent enough human being and we had excellent phone conversations (think creamy smooth Venus voice) but, physically, he was not my cup of tea. He was hairy with a flabby tummy and small wee-wee to boot! I was disappointed but not completely devastated. I figured we could still have some fun. However, the dude was a like a long trip to dullsville for Sally, plus he couldn’t give decent head to save his life. I wasn’t impressed. I packed my bags and headed for the hills.

At this point, I was a bit disillusioned with on-line dating, but still hungry for more. And true to form, shortly after my Libra Mishap, I met eHarmony Guy Number Two. This guy was an intellectual Aquarian with a freaky side…perfect. However, he’d never been with a white girl and he was, as far as I could tell, still mourning the death of his mother. He invited me several times to come see him, but my days of plane hopping were coming to an end. I could not exchange anymore sexual misadventures for a $400 ticket. My bank account wasn’t havin’ it. I never met Mr. Big Brain in person, but I wasn’t too distraught, I’d had my fill.

Yet, one cannot wrap up any discussion about on-line hook ups without mentioning the proverbial King of On-line Fucks, myspace.com. There seems to be a wide array of folks who get a considerable amount of myspace ass. I, on the other hand, have been disappointed by the lack of friendly fuck invites. Currently, I’ve been taunting a slightly repressed Virgo with naughty thoughts, but nothing has manifiested. We’ll see.

My ex-girlfriend, on the other hand, pimps harder than any other woman I know on myspace. She is constantly fielding fuck invites from women. She also uses another site for on-line lesbian dating at Tangowire.com. I asked her to write a few paragraphs about her on-line lesbian dating experiences and she had this to say…

“The lesbian site I use is Tangowire.com. I don't care for it, and I have honestly gotten more play on Myspace than any dating site I have ever been on. I have new people contacting me daily on myspace, after either looking at my pictures or reading my blog. Most of them have no chance ..not into fat and/or butchy.. as you know. But there’s been about 4 girls I have gone out with, and a few more I am supposed to hang out with sometime soon.

I guess the experience has been just fine. However, I have had a few girls either edit their photos or not show certain parts of their bodies, so when I meet them, I definitely got some things I wasn't expecting. One of the girls was only about half as attractive as her pictures are. Another date stared at me fanatically for almost the entire time and still continues to border-line stalk me. Pathetic, really. I will say this, I'm convinced that this *Midwestern City* is just lacking. Conversely, I have so far put no effort into meeting or responding to anyone who lives very far away (don't see the point). I am very seriously considering moving to a land where attractive lesbians really do exist.”


Tangowire is an interesting site, it isn’t just for lesbians, but there is a “women only” area one can join. One can also hook-up based solely on zodiac signs, which is a fabulous idea. Pisces chat room, here I cum.

Also, with respect to friendly fucks @ Revolution..please don’t hesitate to fuck back…leave a message or send an email about your next plane hop. I hope it’s in my direction.

xoxo, Sal.

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