Guilt: Anthony Guerra“I don't know why
you want to follow me tonight
when the rest of the world
with whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
let's me down so
for a thousand reasons that I know
to share forever the unrest
with all the demons I possess
beneath the silver moon
maybe you were right
but baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry” :: Tired of Being Sorry: Ringside
Sally has fucked, left, and destroyed quite a few people in her short life on this planet, which has led to various accusations like:
“You have no heart.”
“You’re dead inside”
“You’re a scandalous whore.”
“You ripped my pretty red heart in two.” (tribute to Sylvia Plath)
and the old stand by:
“You’re a player.”
What these malcontents don’t realize is during my younger years, I was a nice girl, a people pleaser, in fact. Often times, I would lose interest in relationship long before I broke it off. Even when relationship no longer honored self-discovery and growth, I continued on with the person at my expense. Hell, I spent two and half years with one ex-girlfriend when it should’ve been a one-night stand. But, the girl would flip out, threaten suicide, and stalk me to the ends of the earth until I relented. In order to protect her feelings I soldiered on, half-heartedly, to appease her. This relationship is only one example of how I traded the truth for a lie to protect someone’s feelings. I had many more relationships over the years that followed this pattern.
A part of me felt an obligation to help my partners maintain their emotional balance. Oh, you’re unhappy? Here, let me help. So, you hate yourself and feel weak and misunderstood? Come here, then, my little bird with broken wing. Let me stitch you up and put you back together.
The problem is, once you’ve helped someone in this capacity (either sexually or psychologically) the subject (i.e partner) yearns for fusion and wholeness with their guide again and again. In many cases, the subject becomes addicted to, what they perceive to be, their “savior’s” attention or presence in their life. The subject, then, feeds of this strength while taking what they need for themselves. When the “savior” finally attempts to gracefully bow out of their role or let’s the projection expire, the subject is, naturally, enraged. They want more. We don’t especially like it when our faith or image of someone is destroyed. But as Tori Amos sings, “I was never the vision of what you wanted me to be.”
Readers, I realize this scenario makes Sally sound like a real bitch. Who does this chick think she is? God? a Savior? a freakin’ saint?
My father had a severe Jesus complex, so I am particularly sensitive to being viewed as anybody’s savior. It disgusts me. However, Dad was a charismatic preacher, people wanted to believe him. They needed to believe him. When he spoke his “followers” listened in awe, the man was damn inspiring. Growing up hearing him and seeing him certainly affected me and the way my communication with others is received. Further, since ancestral imprints run deep through our family heritage, daughters and sons carry the strengths and weakness of those who have gone before them. In other words, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
It’s also important to realize human beings are hard wired to seek out meaning in their encounters with others and are prone to projections. For every savior out there, you’ll find someone in need of saving and vice versa. Saviors need their followers as much as their followers need their saviors. This is, essentially, a karmic situation and a sticky one at that.
I wish those who’ve felt slighted by Sally could understand the deeper impact of their perceived abandonment. They were learning something beautiful, and I was too. Nothing is ever lost. People get what they need from one another, even if it hurts. Important lessons do come through our pain and disappointment. And those who have crossed paths with Ms. Sunshine have learned about self-reliance. I can pick you up and dust you off, but in the end, each person must develop their own inner resources, their temple of self, or strong core.
So, here ends Sally’s Slut Guilt.
When we start to understand ourselves (i.e. “birthing” ourselves) we recognize radical honesty is the only way to go. This blog is dedicated to the pursuit of radical honesty, and as we all know, revolution is never a dinner party. It’s tough.
Telling a lover,
“Hey, I’m sorry; I just don’t do relationships right now. “
“I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore.”
“I’m falling in love with you”
“I’ve fallen out of love with you”
“I want to fuck your best friend”
or “I’d like to fuck you again.”
all requires balls (or ovaries!) of steel. It may be embarrassing, the other person may feel like shit, or you may end up losing them, but we must commit ourselves to the highest order in life...truth.
So be it.
Love you all immensely, Sally.
10 comments:
Amen.
Yes, well, interesting. Because really, obviously, you were getting something out of those relationships too. To say that you only stayed to protect someone's feelings isn't quite true is it? Dig a little deeper and you are bound to find that you were in fact protecting your own. If you keep quiet and say nothing, then you don't have to deal with or hear what someone else might think of you. Who after all, really wants to be called an asshole?
Then don't be sorry.
"Then don't be sorry."
Exactly Nony. Which is why, at the end of this writing, I declared..'slut guilt no more'.
Because really, obviously, you were getting something out of those relationships too."
In the beginning, yes. At the end, no. It was toxic.
Did you read the part where my ex threatened to kill herself if I left? I believed her. I stayed because of it. Manipulation is a mother fucker. It'll get ya.
"To say that you only stayed to protect someone's feelings isn't quite true is it?"
No, really,nony, it's true. In that paticular situation.
Also, I should note that I learned what I needed to from each of those partnerships..however...I should've been honest, regardless of how it made my partner feel.
I can be a world class asshole. I can admit that now, and in fact, I do admit it to potential partners outright.
yo, I'm an asshole.
Nothing to hide here.
mmm..there are lots of people who think I'm Satan. But there are alot of people who think otherwise. It's all relative, my dear.
Honesty always shines in the end.
This blog was a gift to me today--thanks for taking the time to write it, and for sharing it.
As for the reference to Satan ... there's gold in that role, too.
Children need protection.
Adults cooperate. I recall when i was a kid my mom helping so many people but always complaining about her clients. I didn't agree with the therapies she used...but hey, moms are not like dads aren't they?
Amazing stuff, and really pertains to all relationships -- familial as well. At which point does one decide when a relationship stops being episitic and becomes parasitic? I think its an evolutionary process, and you hit the nail on the head.
We grow in all ways from relationships - having them and leaving them.
Ha, I have had loads of relationships like the ones you describe and even had to put up with the multiple suicide attempts. At first I was really worried about her. After all she was a high profile woman in a very dangerous country, (Indonesia in 97), after a while it just bored me. I remember the last time I saw her, she smashed a beer bottle and dragged it down her arm, from the elbow to the wrist and the blood just shot across the room. I just walked out and got a plane to Bangkok. She survived, women always do, at the end of the day they are much more practical than us guys.
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