The “I don’t care about your marriage” post.

“And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am” - Divorce Song, Liz Phair

How many hideously trite conversations about marriage should I have to endure in one day?

Conversation observed in my office’s lunch room:

Balding middle-aged guy: “You know Bob and Shelia have been together for 70 years!”

To which the rest of the room replied with their random “Oh’s and Ah’s, and Wow’s”.

I could feel the chunks rising in my throat as I tried to keep my lunch down. Readers, it was hard. Stare at the same person for 70 years? Why, I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a pairing-knife.

What is it about our culture that celebrates this monotony, this willingness to submit ourselves to routine till death do we part? How can this be fun or even remotely enjoyable? It’s not that I have a problem with individual marriages per se, as I am sure Bob and Shelia are just tickled pink with one another. Good for them. However, I would argue that marriage, as an institution/societal structure, is PURE BULLSHIT.

The truth is men need marriage more than women.

There, I said it.

Now, I’m not commenting on previous generations, during which men and women managed to tolerate each other for a whole slew of fucked up reasons (for women: lack of economic, political, social power, for men: cheap unpaid domestic labor, women as status symbols ect..oh, and to avoid the stigma of divorce) Even though this still occurs, women can own property, vote, get paid a decent wage, get an education, and have domain over their bodies through reproductive freedom. The tables have turned, at least in the US and Western Europe. So, what is it about marriage that’s appealing today now that it’s not being used as a tool for survival (in most cases)?

Well, there are still those damn societal expectations. We are to A) Get Married, B) Have Children, and C) Die Quickly and Efficiently as to not trouble others (i.e. the state or relatives). Along the way we are to acquire as many possessions as possible while using as many resources as possible. Yes, Americans, Shop, Have Babies, and please, Don’t Ask Too Many Questions. In that order.

Marriage, as an institution, is supposedly a rite of passage we are told (especially women) that we should be more than eager to partake in. It’s sold to us just like all the other trash out there. The Las Vegas quickie, the 6 month mistake, and yes, even the 70 year snore- fest, all have their place in our consumer-driven society. The marriage business is big business, diamonds, the dresses, the food, the party, all add up. Yes, there are those who elope reducing the time, money, and energy spent, but still, there is a lot of money being exchanged for a fairy tale. From the white dress to the obnoxiously large cake, it’s all gravy baby.

Then, there’s the whole issue of what to do once you are married. Do you sit in silence and stare absent-mindedly at the same person for the rest of your natural life? I think my generation is particularly lost on this issue. Marriage, as a structure, may provide support in the context of childrearing, but other than that, why bother? I understand the practical elements of insurance, retirement planning ect… but for a girl like me, with my own insurance, my own retirement accounts, financial acumen and the skills to make a decent living for myself, what is the point?

For me, marriage as an institution was irrelevant from day one. I never wanted to put my well-being (financial, or otherwise) in the mercy of another’s hand. It seems foolish and most of all, boring.

Although Bob and Shelia, I’m sure, have enjoyed their 70 years together, it’s not to say everyone else would. I’d probably suffocate slowly, dying just a little each day as my independence was stripped from me, moment by moment.

Dramatic? Maybe. But all the same, I think I’ll pass.