Sexual Health, Desire, and the Modern Woman

One HER-story

To experience and engage in feminine desire is a natural human tendency. Repressing and shaming desire is tool used by men (and some hyper-critical judgmental women) to denounce our right to full personhood as human beings. Religious leaders have been playing this game since forever. A co-worker once expressed that the pain women feel during child birth is the punishment women must face for Eve’s original apple-eating sin. Remember this came from the mouth of an educated, otherwise normal woman. Even in a supposedly “modern” society with intellectually evolved people, these archaic beliefs still exist. There are many ways our tightly-held unexamined beliefs are contributing to negativity, on a personal and collective level.

But, beyond this negativity, the question I’d like to ask is, how can we make room for the expression of healthy desire in our lives?

I started educating myself about sex, sexuality, and desire at a fairly young age. My mom had the “Our Bodies, Ourselves” book front and center on the book shelf at home. I used to pour through it, reading and re-reading passages when I was in 5th/6th grade. I taught myself about menstruation, masturbation, and of course, the mechanics of sex. I also shared information with others by talking with friends, neighbors, and my sisters on the topic, in a very matter of fact type of way. In addition, I showed each of my sisters how to insert a tampon, took them to get birth control, and of course had the good ol’ bird and the bee’s discussion with them. Did I find any shame in this? No, it was all very natural, healthy, responsible and NECESSARY.

Admittedly, I’ve had moments in my own sexual past that are less than admirable. I’ve dis-respected myself by letting others use me as a tool for their own enjoyment. Hell, I’ve used others as a tool for my own enjoyment too. But, that is the past, and I’m not anchoring myself to it. I’ve learned a great deal from it as well. Ever the curious girl, I started experimenting with sex/sexuality at a very early age, and I made some bad choices, which is to be expected when one starts as early as I did. Yet, I am an adult now and I’ve changed.

What’s emerging in me now is a very aware, honest, healthy sexuality. I’m finding myself much more eager to explore different dimensions of desire and the feelings that go with it. This has involved reclaiming my body, desire, and sexuality as my own, educating myself about my body, and applying it to my sexual relationships with partners/self.

For example, the other night my partner and I had a very intense make out session. Silk sheets, candle light, music, the whole nine yards. I felt safe, respected, and well, sexy.

But on other nights, we’ve also explored other avenues of desire in a more frenzied, animalistic fashion. I can’t say that my new awareness is attributable to my partner, as I sense something inside of me has shifted, which reaches beyond the scope of the relationship.

Any other thoughts on healthy desire?