Monday, April 09, 2007

Easter Sucks


There's no religion but sex and music
There's no religion but sound and dancing
There's no religion but line and color
There's no religion but sacred trance

There's no religion but the endless ocean
There's no religion but the moon and stars
There's no religion but time and motion
There's no religion, just tribal scars
-“Send Your Love”- Sting



Let the Carnage Begin

Yesterday I wanted to spend the whole day writing a big fat anti-Christian post, but got side-tracked with booze, boys, and guitars. Oy.

Thus, I have no intelligent commentary or witty repartee to invoke about this holiday of major suckyness, except to say that, well, it sucks. You may be thinking, why Sally Sunshine, why does it suck so much?

My answer: Because I said so.

Be a good little reader and accept everything I say as rule and/or divine law and don’t ask too many questions. For example, like the question why. “Why” has never led to anything productive. Around here we bow our heads, pray feverishly, ask for mercy, bite our tongues, and for God sakes, we avoid honest discourse at any cost! In fact, each one of you must donate $5000 to my “Sally Sunshine Supreme Ruler of the Universe” account immediately. As you know, your impending salvation and depends on your conformity, let the soul saving begin! Also, in order to secure your adoration and complete devotion, I will remind you of my importance in your world. Silly reader, I led you out of your world of darkness and showed you the truth, the light, and the way. I even sacrificed my pen so that you may read my typed thoughts. Lucky you! Now, give everything to me (10%, at the *very* least), shut up and do as I say!


Point Made.

My first “disrespectful” incident with regard to scripture happened when I was 13 years old when I used Bible paper to roll a joint. Sure, it wasn’t the most obvious use of The Paper, I should’ve used it to wipe my ass instead, but alas, joint-smoking took precedence. There were many other creative uses of bibles growing up. For example, when having wild boar pre-marital pig sex, and the headboard is scraping against the fresh paint on your wall, go ahead and grab that bible! It works as a handy insert between the two. Plus, no more pesky banging noises either! Oh, and how could I forgot the ol’ lipstick blotter trick. Ladies, often times we, in error, apply a heavy coat of lipstick when all we desire is a thin coat. In the event of heavy application error, rip out one of those handy-dandy bible pages and blot away! Oily skin? Not a problem either, pull out a page and get to work!

So be resourceful, don’t let that leather-bound bag o’ shit in the dresser drawer collecting dust go to waste!

And there you have it, save a tree, Sally’s Easter celebration is complete.

2 comments:

Cassandra Says said...

The sad thing is us heathens don't even need to run around wiping our asses with copies of the bible any more. American Christian leaders are doing such a good job of it themselves. Charity? Forgiveness? Compassion? That's sissy stuff! Jesus was a soldier, baby!
Mr Cassandra has decided to buy and consume one of those white chocolate crosses in homage to his Cahtolic upbringing. the nuns would be so dissapointed in him.

sallysunshine_26 said...

Mmm.. white chocolate crosses, yummy.

I haven't paid homage to my Catholic eduction for ages. But I have developed a deep disdain for religion over the years!