Friday, May 25, 2007

The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove



Dear readers, I have a problem. I like to fuck my friends.

Eh.

It doesn’t always produce the most positive results, especially when certain friends aren’t as sprinkle-happy with their own sexuality. For many o’ moons, I have teetered back and forth on the issue. I’m usually very honest with my lovers the majority of the time. It wasn’t always that way. When I was younger (the teenage angst years) I often balanced three-five relationships at one time, PLUS making pretty decent grades while working 40 hours a week. Let’s just say I didn’t sleep very much as the whirlwind of faces through the revolving door didn’t stop.

Occasionally, I may've become smitten with one person, but it was always peppered with late night trysts with others. I’ve tried to force myself into “one-on-one” relationship models, but, in the end, come back to the same old place. The seduction.

Add a little bit of impulsiveness and idealism to the equation and you’ve got a die-hard sensualist. Once the energy of the encounter has been depleted, I often ponder how I might channel my lust-filled libido into other mediums.

A person can only give so much of themselves before they start to feel the affects elsewhere. I’ve never been one to neglect my responsibilities in a mundane sense, but I often miss out on opportunities for self-reflection, writing, or helping others in a more pure (heh) capacity because I’m busy chasing the feeling.

Ah, the ecstasy of a temporary high. Those moments are few and far between in this life, aren’t they? I mean, that really is the nature of an addiction. I know there are love addicts, sexual addicts..hell, there are all sorts of addicts out there. Yet, I’m not sure that’s the issue in my situation.

Over the years, I’ve attempted to explain my behavior to myself with the following reasons:

1) I am a fundamentally flawed individual with absolutely no moral compass. I am a bad, bad, bad girl.

2) I have a deep fear of commitment and will go to any and all lengths to protect my freedom in the name of self-preservation.

3) The purpose of my life is not to form romantic attachments with others, as it depletes my power and lowers my effectiveness. I’ll have fun for now, but eventually will discard my obsession with physical to help others in a more evolved fashion.

4) I like sex. Period. There is nothing wrong with me. It is who I am. I should not waste energy trying to conform to society’s expectations of moral virtue. As long as I am honest with partners, I have no reason to change my behavior.

5) I’ve learned many important lessons regarding power and relating as a result of my sexual conquests and will continue to do so in the spirit of adventure, growth, and self-awareness. And that, is nothing to be ashamed of.

At various intervals during my life, I’ve often felt drawn to one of the above reasons, or sometimes, a multitude of em’ at once. Maybe all of them are true, to an extent.

The fact is, I’ve seen the ugly sides of symbiosis, along with the beautiful. When I say symbiosis, I mean in the sense that the parasite feeds from the host. Sex mimics the symbiotic process in a very natural way. And even on a greater level, symbiotic relationships color our human experience. In the womb, we engage in this very basic primal act before we’re even born into this world. It is our first experience. Relationships continue to evolve within the realm of symbiosis for better or worse during the course of a lifetime as well.

Wiki lists several classes of symbiosis, all of which apply to our relationships in this life:

1) Mutualism - a relationship in which members of two different species benefit and neither suffers

2) Commensalism- a relationship in which one party gains some benefit, while the other suffers no serious disadvantage

3) Parasitism- one member of the association benefits while the other is harmed

4) Amensalism- the association is disadvantageous to one member while the other is not affected

5) Competition- both organisms are harmed

6) Artificial symbiosis- the mutually beneficial integration between a live part and an artifact.

Many biologists concede that symbiosis has been a major driving force in the evolution of humanity. On a psychological level, I couldn’t agree more. As one of my favorite musician's/poet's would say, “I am trying to evolve”, which isn’t done within a vacuum. We need to experience relationships fully (even negative or painful attachments) to move forward with the task at hand, doing what we came here to do.

This post started off with fucking friends and turned into a lesson in biology.

Well, ya gotta start somewhere. Happy Friday, SS

1 comment:

Michel said...

If people say what they perceive as being the wrong thing to one another and they don't acknowledge it, they can continue to live with the illusion of not being a wrongful type of person, of not having the seed of being able to do wrong within themselves.... If I see a homeless person on the street lets say...and if I don't look at them or if I don't smell their filth and hunger... I can pretend all that I want that they don't exist, that the cruelty of poverty dosnt exist, I can continue to live with the illusion of the world being all flowery and rosy and all..and separate fron this self of mine ..or ours... You said nothing wrong! In either case we are of the hook really...since we don't have to do anything in that circumstance... I don't have to change my attitude towards them... I can rest in certainty, no matter what or how illusionary or inconsistent it all is. But really, it is "AVIDYA" we are talking about there right?..turning away from reality - not seeing things as they are.. Cheers.. But really...Im in disillusion...Melancholy..hmmm