AFFAIRS IN MY HEAD

Do people remember their little excursions away from reality? Secret crushes? Dreams never satisfied? Lips never kissed? Lust never dies, it thrives inside of us and we carry it from one relationship to the next, hoping and fearing at the same time that our deepest desires will be found out. Will our partner be open to our fantasies? Or will we be made to feel guilty for our more erotic impulses? What stimulates our creativity where sexuality is considered? Should we posses our partners? Owning them and claiming their body as “our territory?”

All are valid questions to address within our relationships. Sexual freedom, especially for women, is a taboo topic in our society. Demeaning words liter our language and images are no better, we, as women, have very little to work with. A healthy sexuality is experienced as a functional, safe, yet fantasy- filled environment to nurture our deepest yearnings. How can we become powerful co-creators with the men (or women!) in our lives? A continued interaction with one singular person in a monogamous relationship often kills creativity/innovation. However, jealously, feelings ownership, a perceived intimacy, and specialness of “self” often keep us from experimenting with multiple partners. A strict adherence to traditional structures in marriages and partnerships makes for bleak future indeed. Do we let societal pressure dictate our experience of love or do we forge ahead on our own road?

The separation of our more beastly natures from who we profess to be during the light of day is a tricky compromise. We all walk the line, some are more repressed than others, yet still we are all still part human and part beast. I say we dignify it. Both sides! I say we refuse to be involved with those who will not have open honest conversations about their sexuality. I say we demand freedom to be our sexy naughty selves and to feel safe and loved at the SAME time! Men should realize this revolution taking place in hearts and minds of many young women today is good for them too! It will enrich their relationships and open the door for more exploration in a most healthy fashion. So, men (or women!) encourage your partner to embrace freedom, be creative, and most importantly…. don’t forget the toys! Have Fun!

Although I never met the person described below, I had many affairs in my head with him. Here’s to you Suren… the lust still thrives….

Proclamation California

You are a long-haired scientist
with a dose of practical Virgo beneath your dark skin
you look like Rococo Juarez with wet eyes that shine
with your try me on style and witty cross-fire

honey, I will see you

blessed with two feet and ten toes
but normalcy doesn’t come easily
for an boy who fantasizes about losing himself in mudslides
and what about tornados in Los Angeles?
there always is a possibility
you could lose more than anticipated

honey, I will see you

yellow tee-shirt and all
with a desert-sun framing the roundest face
smiling with the brownness of the Earth
cactus to your right, and an empty left

honey, I will miss you

A Medieval Mood

Today I saw a picture of my ex in all his finery on a website with photos of his new girlie-friend and immediately was hit with a lust for revenge. This is a normal reaction for me, as my mother would say, "revenge is the best dish served cold." Well, maybe she never said that, but it would've been a interesting piece of worldly wisdom to pass on. Evidently, the "eye for an eye" theory runs deep in the family tree, and on a purely emotional level can be very satisfying to "gut" one's opponent. Do I sound like I'm living in medieval times or just sympathizing with the war machine? I certainly hope not.

On a practical level, revenge is far too time consuming and facilitates the acknowledgement of the other's continued power in one's life. Thus, I am torn asunder. On one side, our more beastly qualities need recognition, but at the same time it should be balanced with reason and our more refined qualities. But, as the many times wise Bloodhound Gang would say, "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals." In celebration, I offer a spiteful vengeful piece I wrote to, as they say, "get the red out." Enjoy!

A Woman in White Never Dies

Now if you dream about me at night when you're clutching her thigh
and you think you've been freed from the curse of me
think again
I know you've settled into domestic tranquility
but when you look at those hands
you wanna rub them over my body again
she crosses your mind in nick of time, just before I'm in
so if you're listening for me in the in-betweens and my voices still echoes eerily
step away from the ledge and get back under your bridge

"They widened and widened, thrusting you both asunder, one from the other". - From the Woman in White by Wilkie Collins.

ERIS: FROM CHAOS

2003UB313 finally has a name, and so from chaos, eventually comes order. Our solar system has been experiencing a major shake-up lately, from the demotion of Pluto to a dwarf planet to the addition of Ceres and Eris as dwarf planets as well. For those of you that haven’t been following the development in our solar system, I offer a re-cap. Mike Brown, an astronomer and academic, discovered in April of 2006, that 2003UB313 (which he nicknamed “Xena” until it was given an official name) was larger than Pluto. Although Professor Brown had discovered many other trans-Neptunian objects (ie objects beyond Neptune), 2003UB313 was the first Neptunian object found that surpassed Pluto in size. Naturally, “Xena”/Eris was considered for planetary status, but astronomers argued that if Xena/Eris and Ceres were admitted as planets, then, it would open the door for an influx of new planets, ultimately, resulting in chaos. Thus, all three trans-Neptunian objects were to be treated uniformly. Basically, in an effort to apply an “all or nothing” approach to our solar system, scientists now have a new, simple definition of what at planet is, and it doesn’t include Pluto. So, where are we now?

We find ourselves at the edge of our solar system, with Neptune as our border or gatekeeper because Neptune is now our last official “planet”. Does anyone else find the idea of Neptune as a BORDER a bit ridiculous? Neptune has never been especially good with boundaries, as it is associated with the formless, dreamy, inspired forms of expressions and being. Think poets with really beautiful ideals and ideas about humanity but little ambition for bring it into reality. Neptunian experiences can certainly be uplifting and creative, but is it an effective border? I don’t think so. All of which points to the boundaries in our world disappearing as technology leads the way, which, by the way, is very Neptune in Aquarius. So, where does Eris (pronounced ee-ris) step in?

In mythology, Eris was known as the goddess of strife and discord. In most mythological texts, she is not described favorably. She, being the sister of Ares, god of war, has all of his nasty traits, but in the female form. Eris was known specifically for her trouble-making and instigation skills, as she has been credited with starting the Trojan War. Eris is also associated with being the Goddess of Disorder, while, her opposite is the Goddess of Order. Does anyone sense a Pisces/Virgo polarity here? With Neptune as our new official “border” and our newest trans-Neptunian object named after the Goddess of Disorder and Strife, one has to wonder, what exactly is happening in our world? Could it be the mass confusion, the lies, and the all wars started for the wrong reasons are producing chaotic responses amongst humanity? I think so. The impact of war is felt collectively and individually, and in the case of Bush’s war, society/the masses are finally starting to wake up. “Staying the course” is no longer a valid option, as America must face and embrace the chaos of living in a fish bowl, where everyone can and will see our mistakes. These lies must be exposed, and in its wake, we will expect chaos, a flood, and a sudden opening in our consciousness. However, it would serve us well to remember the distant icy planet Eris. As she will teach us, from chaos comes a return to order, even when the possibility of healing seems far from reality.

Eris has been blamed for quite a few things already, in her short life as part of our solar system (for example: the demise of Pluto), and so I imagined if Eris could speak this is what she might say:

BLAME IT ON ME: ALANA DAVIS

Leaves change from green to red without notes in tune with time that surrounds
I think that's something that you said back a while when you first started coming around
You and I are from different worlds but that gave us more to share
You'd ask me where I wanted to be and I was happy with you just being there
Now I feel we've got some serious talking ahead and I don't want you to get me wrong
It's just we've become kind of a habit to each other and this can't keep going on
Blame it on Me
Over the past few months through no fault of your own
I've grown disenchanted and I've got to go it alone
Seems the natural thing to do 'cause you can't cling to me if I'm not gonna stick with you
Now take a look at what it's all coming down to
You act like I'm leaving you on the shelf but I don't know how else to say it
Life's a game and we all have to play it
So I've got to look out for myself
Blame it on me
All these changes coming on
And I'm feeling it so strong
You know they've got to be real
It's hard to explain it baby if i can't tell you how i feel
I've been pushing it aside but i can't sacrifice my pride any longer
I thought it would subside
Something I could hide
But it's only getting stronger
Blame it on me

Reaching An Exact Opposition: Saturn & Neptune

Today is August 31, 2006, the first pass of the exact opposition, world wide, of Saturn and Neptune. These energies have been heating up all summer long, and may have been experienced personally through others showing one their shadow, one person taking on a Saturian role and the other a Neptunian role. Many astrologers have been covering this aspect, in great detail, in fact. From the apparent terrorist plot in England, which was foiled, to the discovery of JonBenet’s “supposed” murder, old man Saturn and dreamy- at- sea Neptune have been very busy. Our media, world events, and political atmosphere have been strewn with these typical Neptunian events involving deception, denial, and the infamous “head in the sand” routine. Saturn, however, is making us face our karma, get real, and take responsibility for our world since we are the one’s who have made it what it is. Pretty harsh stuff. And exactly what’s the truth here? Do we trust our media? Do we trust our leaders- those with the authority? Indeed, these are all Neptune in Aquarius and Saturn in Leo issues. Does anyone else feel like they’ve been lied to? Yes, it is a time of awaking in our culture, histories, relationships, and self-awareness. Saturn is forcing what was hidden to the surface; we can ignore it, or work with it. But, either way, our planet is evolving. Some of us will move with the trend, others will fall behind. Many of us have drawn that proverbial line in the sand and will continue to define our boundaries, others are experiencing the boundaries dissolving. Mostly, it has been a time of great upheaval and confusion in our personal lives and public life as well. The next direct opposition of Saturn to Neptune will happen in February of 2007, so there is a bigger story unfolding here, as this opposition is not done with us yet.

Recently, I reached an exact opposition with someone in my personal life. I was Neptune, and the other person played Saturn. We both were unwilling to compromise on our position, and in the end, Saturn prevailed. Reality enters, and so the dream is destroyed. We all have become destroyers of our own dreams, yet, there is healing, idealistic dreamers become builders and realities shift when the rug ripped out from under you. We learn to be comfortable with floating. And Neptune is all about floating. Where are we going? I’m not sure we know, but we’ll keep moving.

Where Are You Going? - Dave Matthews Band (A Salute to Saturn in Leo opposing Neptune in Aquarius)

Where are you going, with your long face pulling down?
Don't hide away, like an ocean
That you can't see but you can smell
And the sound of waves crash down

I am no superman.
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, that's for sure
But I do know one thing:where you are is where I belong.
I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be.

Where are you going? Where do you go?
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
Well if along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me
Until a brighter day, you're ok.

I am no superman.
I have no answers for you.
I am no hero, that's for sure.
But I do know one thing:Where you are is where I belong.
I do know, where you go, is where I wanna be

Tell me, where are you going?
Where? Let's go.

Managing T-Squares: Restless Energy

Antsy, agitated, tense, easily-provoked, dis-ease, all these terms come to mind when considering the energy lurking behind a T-square in a natal chart. Of course, the energy of a T-square is influenced by the sign and houses the T-square occupies. And one can find a myriad of interpretations on-line which relate to cardinal, mutable, or fixed T-square aspect patterns. But, first things first, we must understand what constitutes a T-square in the birth chart. A T-square is a aspect pattern or configuration that forms when two planets oppose (180 degree angle) each other and then those two planets each square (90 degree angle) a third planet. This third planet, which squares the opposition from both angles, is important for the astrologer to consider. Many astrologers refer to this planet as the focus point or apex. The sign and house placement of the apex planet is highly significant. The T-square forms what looks like the letter “T” within the birth chart and often produces difficult combinations of energy for those possessing the configuration, but is also quite powerful when the energy is harnessed. Notice, I do not speak of “mastering” the energy, as this difficult aspect pattern in the natal chart often precludes us from “taking control” and instead provides us with opportunities to open the channel for growth and renewal (especially when the T-square is activated through transit).

T-squares can be found in charts of famous, very successful, ambitious people, but they also are found in other charts of the normal populace. In fact, in my family alone, my parents and both sets of grandparents have t-square configurations in their charts, as far as I can tell from their birth information. And as most astrologers recognize, aspect patterns and placements often run through the family line like water. We are repeating history, but breaking free from it, all in one breath. Whew! Exhausting work, these T-squares. Often times resting and relaxing are not second nature for the person with a t-square aspect. Fortunately, when properly directed, this “get up and go” energy may contribute to success in a given field or an individual’s life’s work. Those who use the tension, excess energy, and drive to motivate themselves have found the secret to handling T-square energy.

As I contemplate the energy tied up in my own natal T-square, I do feel the frustration, agitation, and tenacity festering. But, as one of my favorite singer/song-writer's says, “I believe in peace, bitch”. And so, we must make peace with not only the world around us, but inside ourselves. We need to learn to relax and be “in flow” with the moment. It is evident that internal aggression and dis-ease are filtered into our world externally through our actions and thoughts. Each person adds a new layer to an already contentious atmosphere of negativity. Therefore, we must consciously take responsibility for emotions and thoughts we have, not only for those with t-squares (who undoubtedly have a special responsibility in this area), but all humans. Although, it is often difficult, we should remind ourselves from time to time, even on this war-ridden planet, we do believe in peace, inside and outside.


Tori Amos- The Waitress


So I want to kill this waitress
She's worked her a year longer than I
If I did it fast, you know that's an act of kindness

But I believe in peace
I believe in peace, Bitch
I believe in peace

I want to kill this waitress
I can't believe this violence in my mind
And is her power all in her club sandwich

I want to kill this killing wish
They're too many stars and not enough sky
Boys all think she's living kindness
But ask a fellow waitress
Ask a fellow waitress

Compulsive Communication- Mercury in the 8th house

Do you ever find yourself completely bored by the topics being discussed around you? Are you lost in an endless sea of random polite conversations with little or no depth? Does talking to your fellow co-workers or friends feel like you're being hit in the head with a cement brick repeatedly? If so, you might be ready to move into complete isolation from the rest of humanity. However, if that doesn't sound practical, we must learn how to tolerate conformity in our conversations. Social niceties can drain us of our vitality, as the compulsive need to communicate about trivial matters with people who have little or no insight into one's personality is the norm these days. For those of us with artistic leanings who tend to express our thoughts passionately or even poetically, this can be maddening. How do we find solace in these superficialities? Send me an email if you have any coping strategies.

I See a Bad Moon Rising

Recently, I have been initiated into the sacred circle of motherhood. My co-workers threw a party for my “new baby”- they affectionately referred to it as a “kitty shower”. I didn’t have the nerve to tell them I was having second thoughts about taking my “new baby” home, as my thoughts drifted to the challenge of caring for another with trepidation and weariness. Last night, as I “kitty proofed” my apartment, I realized life was indeed changing. All of this focus on motherhood naturally had me thinking about my own mother and our relationship. What a burden it must’ve been for her to be saddled with caring for our every need day and night. The endless sob fests, runny noses, and temper tantrums could drive any normal sane person into postpartum depression. Could I really handle this new responsibility?

As I recall, a few months ago, an ex-boyfriend’s mere suggestion of the possibility of having children nearly drove me over the edge- it was time to get out fast! I broke up with him a few weeks later in an attempt to rid myself of what seemed to be an awful “mommy curse”. Even though, I knew these mommy issues had taken root somewhere in my psyche during youth, as they often do. These “roots” plant themselves firmly in our brains and perform an initiation all on their own. Consciously, we are unaware of their affect, but off-kilter reactions to certain normal adult conversations will reveal the root, or at least a leaf on the tree.

Because the idea of motherhood began to produce violent reactions in me, almost to the point of physical illness, I figured it was time to explore that hypocritical Cancer Moon placed prominently in my 10th house. Shouldn’t my domesticated, pregnant n’ barefoot in the kitchen Cancer Moon embrace the happy little homemaker role? Shouldn’t I be bubbling over with maternal energy, just waiting anxiously for my chance to procreate? Am I supposed to be scouring the Earth for a potential mate with my biological clock ticking away furiously? All research suggests that I should be, with that Cancer Moon shining at the top of my chart. However, if you take a second look you will see Pluto, Lord of Death, staring down my sensitive Cancer moon in a hard tight square. Enter Hades, the invisible death God, bringing us down to the deepest primal level where fears are confronted and life ceases to thrive. It is the icy frozen “night of the soul” or as Shakespeare said, “the winter of our discontent” where life meets death and death meets life. This is not a pleasant experience, folks, but it gets the job done. We leave the Underworld with much greater understanding of ourselves and others, with our invisible armor firmly in place. Right now, I am reading a very insightful book written by Judy Hall called “The Hades Moon”, which discusses the Moon/Pluto combination in all forms. The author herself has strong Moon-Pluto traits and uses her familiarity with the Underworld to help us navigate through our journey- more to come on this book and Moon-Pluto aspects in general.

In closing, I'm posting these song lyrics, which are so appropriately linked to the Moon-Pluto archetype.


Creedence Clearwater Revival

I see a bad moon rising
I see trouble on the way
I see earthquakes and lightnin'
I see bad times today
Don't go 'round tonight
It's bound to take your life
There's a bad moon on the rise
I hear hurricanes a blowin'
I know the end is commin' soon
I fear rivers over flowing
I hear the voice of rage and ruin
Hope you got your things together
Hope you are quite prepared to die
Looks like we'er in for nasty weather
One eye is taken for an eye

The Chiron Experience-confronting inner darkness

Where ever Chiron is present in our charts is where we have important lessons to teach others. It is where the gift comes through the wound. Our Chiron placement is very sensitive, it asks to go within and confront our inner darkness. (In classical mythology, Chiron is both animal and beast.) It is only in the confrontation, healing, and finally releasing that the poison arrow is pulled from our hearts. Does that sound a bit dramatic? Well, if it does- good. Everyone has Chiron somewhere in their chart, and it is in this area where we may find the more dramatic, trauma-filled experiences in our lives. According to classical mythology, Chiron resided in a “grotto” on Mt. Pelion where he lived with his terrible incurable wound. As you can see, this is not a light, breezy existence for our fated Chiron, but he does make good use of his time spent in the darkness by being of service to others through teaching. Hence, we run across the tendency of astrologers to associate Chiron with Virgo (the service sign) and Sagittarius (the sign of teaching and educating). The glyph (planetary symbol) for Chiron looks like a key turned upwards. This is symbolism at its best. The wound holds the key to our relief. It reaches out to help others. Through our service, we heal ourselves. It is one of the finest examples of God moving through the world. Not to get all religious on ya, but the “Chiron experience of woundedness” does have religious/spiritual overtones. Eventually, Chiron is released from his pain and ascends to a higher plane. In our day and age, we can view this as a metaphorical ascension. We reach a higher state of being and living when move through our own “Chiron cycle”. For those of us that have “prowled through the grottos” we have much to teach the world. It’s time to get started. Each one of us carries a wound, so what is yours? And how can you use it to change the world?

I Need to Believe

How did our great grandparents, grandparents, and in some cases, our parents manage to make love work? The smorgasbord of potential mates is dizzying and with the advent of internet dating and speed dating random pairings occur all day, every day, all over the world. Where does a person find balance amongst all this madness? The beautiful illusion of "true love" is sold to each person through the media and enforced by our interactions with others in the societal traditions we uphold. But, now our twenty-something generation holds the pain from generations past, plus carries the weight of being unable to conform to the coupledom thrust upon us. Can we take the out-dated prehistoric concepts involving relationships and apply it to an entirely different world? The problem our generation grapples with is our inability to integrate our partnerships with our individualism. We have all the parts of the puzzle in front of us, but we cannot put it together. We are unable to assimilate the previous generational experience into our experience. Love does not operate in a vacuum. We need cohesion between our inner lives and our outer world. If we are in a committed relationship, we need support and interaction with the rest of society. While this is all well and good as far as the community is concerned, we are also bombarded with conflicting messages about what finding a "soul mate" really means. We forget that once we find our "soul mate", we still have to live with them everyday. Do we do this from a place of necessity, obsession, or a truly elevated spiritual love- and what exactly IS that?

We need to believe in love, THAT IS WHY WE DON'T FALL IN LOVE. The harshness of reality will eventually visit each one of our relationships. Its impending doom hovers above the echo of our laughter. It must be dealt with. At some point, we will face one another's monsters, and if we don't turn and run the other way then we have succeed. But we hide our humanness in the shuffling of our feet, moving from this person to that person, trying to hide our boredom with ourselves. Even so, we end up repeating the same conversation with different people. Do we fully engage ourselves long enough for the illusion to pass and then start over again? Is that what love is supposed to be? And maybe there is a definitive line between what's real and not real, but those special cases give us headaches. We live with the tension of knowing what we've lost and what everyone else around us has lost too. It's true, the experience of being human has made us all experts in accepting our losses, but at a certain point, shouldn't we get to reach out our hand and touch the dream? One could build a lifetime on that hope, isolating themselves from the demands of a real commitment. And it's the demands pushing us into another dark corner that makes us ask strangers for answers to our impossible questions.

The Pluto in Libra Generation and what's not being said

Pluto in Libra (1971/72-1983/1984)

Transforming the concepts of marriage and relationships with our family, community, and ourselves.

Pluto is very slow moving planet. When it enters a sign, it stays there for a long time. For those born between 1971-1984 Pluto was in Libra. Pluto, being the planet of transformations, death, and rebirth promises many changes in relationships for our Pluto-Libra generation. Much discussion can be found on the Net regarding the Pluto in Leo and Virgo generations (1945-1970), but astrologers have very rarely expanded upon the Pluto in Libra generation. Since most of us are now in our late twenties/early thirties, our generational issues have been surfacing all over the place from the gay marriage debate to the rising divorce rates. Our generation has begun to face these issues, but with only marginal success. We need to take a closer look at how this placement is affecting us personally and also on a generational level. Because Pluto is in Libra for all born between 1971-1984, many of the "canned" rehearsed statements about this placement do very little justice to the actual feeling attached to it. Thus, this Pluto in Libra gal will attempt to bring greater insight into the reality behind this placement. Please see my essay entitled, "I need to believe" for a good summary of the feeling associated with Pluto in Libra.