I kinda always knew you’d end up my ex-boyfriend.

My ex-boyfriend is such a douche bag. It’s not that he did anything horribly wrong, or offended me in epic portions. However, merely his continued presence on this planet irritates me. Since every word he uttered caused me to curl up into little ball and scream “la la la la!” while covering my ears, it’s probably better that we are not together anymore.

Yet, seeing pictures of him on-line schmoozing it up with other girls is like driving by a bad car accident, you don’t want to look, but you almost have to. I did notice the woman he was hugging looked like an anorexic fish with a large fish-head. But dear readers, really, whose keeping score? This man was so horrible in the sack, my libido nearly dried up during the course of the relationship. Talk about a long dive down a dry well! Someone bring me some water!

He also was excruciatingly boring and dull-down to the very fiber of his being. Thank Goddess he had the decency to get lost. I never specifically told him to lose my number; he just sort of faded into the oblivion. There was no angry outburst, name calling, or biting involved here. Hell, even the break up was boring. We simply just stopped calling each other. It was the best non-relationship and non-break up I’ve ever had.

At the same time, some of the wind was taken out of my sail since, unfortunately, I was not able to tell him to go fuck himself. And dear readers, after being subjected to his endless stream of witty repartee for a good six months I deserve better than that!

I should’ve at least been afforded an opportunity to spank him like his mother never did. I would’ve tied his ankles to the bed post, bound and gagged him with a heavy cement block and repeatedly lashed him until he was brought to tears. But, shoulda, coulda, woulda, hindsight is always 20/20 in these situations.

There is a wonderful little website offering free revenge services to punish that one unique bastard that got away. Every once in awhile we need a bit of help implementing our most diabolical plans against those who have wronged us, hence, the site Make Him Pay. The celebrity page is pretty funny too. Go on, have a look.

Here are some other ideas to get you started while you’re forming your own craftily- planned act of retribution.

1) Skin him alive and hang him over a metal rod to dry. (If this is too Ted Bundy-ish for you, just tie him to metal rod and watch him squirm.)



2) Spray paint his car with obscene words and video tape his reaction when he finds it. Then, his reaction can be viewed multiple times from your own home in slow motion. Grab some popcorn and have fun with it!



3) Kidnap and drug your ex. Then, put him in a lovely festive costume and place a red flag in his hand. Next, sell tickets to the event to all your friends, so they can see him wake up from his drug –induced coma with a bull or other large animal breathing down his neck. This is a fun event for all ages! Plus, you’ve just profited from his misery.




4) Ask your ex if you can come over to collect some of your things. When he’s at the top of the stairs, give him a big push. If you can manage to avoid doing prison time and paying all his hospital bills then, you, my friend, have succeeded.



5) See a voodoo practitioner. Make wax dolls, do spells, and give’em hell. He’ll wish he’d never met you!