Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman)

What constitutes greatness in the sack? How does one judge the level of greatness achieved? Where does one pick up this training manual? The problem with this question is that it is largely subjective. What I consider to be an exquisitely beautiful experience might be considered horrendous to another. For me, it comes to versatility and openness in both mind and body. I’ve been with both men and women who are stunning, yet their sexuality exists on the surface as they are quite out of touch with viewing their body as an instrument of pleasure. At the same time, I’ve been intimate with men/women who aren’t supermodel material, but sure know how to make a girl swoon. Little weak-kneed me, I’m such a sucker for the slow seduction.

Regardless of all the great information out there to help men (or women, depending on your preference!) love women better, there is still a large gap between what women want and what we get sexually, and that’s a damn shame.

The article below was found on and is supposed to be a general guide to increasing women’s pleasure in the bedroom. See my thoughts and random digressions in parenthesis. ()

Simple Things That Give Women Pleasure
By The Player
Pickup Specialist
(Note this article was written by a guy called “The Player”- I’m thinking this going to be about as high quality as 2LiveCrew song)

Who would you go to for sex advice? Dr. Ruth, the yoda-like love-master who makes the thought of having sex about as fun as putting a puzzle together (hey guys, sometimes pleasing a woman is hard work- don’t get lazy on me now!); or the real sex experts -those Players who you rarely hear from because they're too busy making love to fashion models, co-workers, girls next door, and their girlfriend's best friend. (Yeah, because we all know quantity is the only factor needed to guarantee quality.)

These are the All-Star Pros (is this a sporting event? I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about pleasing women, not the “guys with their fat beer guts hanging over their jeans talk about sex” convention) that most men should be asking for sex advice. Let me put it this way: For a football coach, would you rather get the volunteer high school gym teacher, or John Elway? Do you get my point? (Not really, the football metaphors are quite tiresome, let’s move on.) The best way to become a great lover is to mimic what great lovers do. (At this point, the author may be indicating he has a seriously troublesome voyeurism addiction. Or maybe Ron Jeremy has just been a very effective role model/mentor in the development of his formidable authority on all matters sexual.)

#1-talk to god
We have to admit that the way a man looks has a lot to do with his chances of sleeping with a lot of women. (Is this an article covering how to please many women simultaneously or just one at a time? Because frankly Mr. Player, I think I’ve probably given women more orgasms than you have.) But what really counts is how good he can use his tools to give her the ultimate orgasm. (I hear cavemen had excellent tools, maybe you can borrow some from one of your fellow cave inhabitants.) If you can make her talk to God ( "Oh God! Oh God!" ), then chances are that she'll be begging you for more sex than you can handle. (Chances are if she’s saying, “Oh God, Oh God, you’ve just met a really great faker- congratulations Player- fake orgasms cum- I mean come- a dime a dozen.)

Most Players will admit that they were not born as female magnets, but learned the ropes through observation and practice. (A couple of STD’s and this guy's a regular Buddha!) Once a Player is reputed for being a good lover, women fall at his feet trying to get a taste of sensual pleasures. (Once a player clears up that pesky gonorrhea, of course.)

#2-the key is observation
Much like myself, most good lovers share four common traits. The first thing they do is size up a woman's body through massage (size up? Nice, I think next Mr. Player should whip out the merchandise so we can size him up.); the second thing involves asking the woman what pleases her most (yes, because most one-night stands have reached this level of intimacy in the 30 minutes Player would’ve known his lady) ; the third consists of observing what stimuli she responds to through adult movies( Ron Jeremy- I knew it! Pop on those pornos big daddy! ); and the final thing that good lovers do is observe a woman's scale of arousal. (I’m sure after Mr. Player’s well-orchestrated porn-induced seduction all the ladies are revved up and ready to go!)

• Begin with a massage (this is so cheesy!- Women are so not impressed with this obviously lame attempt to touch us with their greasy little fingers!)
Each woman reacts differently to various stimuli. The sensations that a woman can experience from a man's touch will always vary. By massaging her whole body and observing her reactions, her sensitive areas will be unveiled, allowing for more pleasurable relations. (Hey you big bore, stop annoying me with your big ol’ boring sexual mechanics- we’re not robots!)

What women usually like while being massaged, are soft licks and touches in sensitive areas like the back of her neck and behind the ears, (um, hello, LICKS are not appropriate during a massage, are you an actual dog Player?) where the skin is very soft. The next time you give a woman a massage, add some variety and instead of simply rubbing her. Lightly run the tip of your fingers and tongue over the insides of her elbows, back of her knees, over her wrists, her nipples and between her thighs. (Doesn’t his nasty germ infested tongue between one’s thighs sound simply divine?!)

• Ask her what she likes
There are millions of sex experts in the world, but the best ones usually don't have a Ph.D. They're called "Women", and they're a lot more interesting to talk to than your average sexologist. (Does the listening start before or after the “sizing up?”) Women experiment with their own bodies; they are more in tune with what satisfies and gratifies them. (Yeah, so what do we need you for again?) So the next time you're not sure if she's enjoying the experience, ask her what she likes instead.

• Watch adult movies
I'm not talking about adult movies that degrade women and are made for men, but rather movies made by lesbians for lesbians. (Ok, this where I draw the line, this guy is obviously insane.) During the act of lovemaking, women constantly look at each other's expressions to measure their level of enjoyment. (Yes, two lesbians or bisexuals may do this, but unless this guy only engages in threesomes, how, in god’s name, does this help the singular woman he is having sex with? I can’t imagine the woman in his bedroom will be exchanging sexy glances with an image on a TV, unless she's just so completely bored with his lovemaking abilities she can't help herself.)

Do the same by paying attention to what a woman fancies. When you touch her in a way that she likes, keep doing it. Most men make the mistake of doing it too hard or too fast. Turn it up a notch only if she pushes her body against you, or if she moans the words "faster" or "harder”. (All the porn movie cues have really warped this guy’s mind!)

• Observe her arousal scale
Good sex occurs when partners on the same sexual wavelength. Not only is every woman different, but even the same woman is different from day to day. One day she may want it fast and hard, while the next day may require a more slow and soft approach. Therefore, you have to know what wave she is riding to make the experience pleasurable.

Take your cue from the way a woman flirts with you. If she's acting sensual, and caresses you gently, then you have to start slow and maintain a soft and romantic mood. However, if she comes on strong, then she probably wants crazy cat-like sex. (Date Rape, anyone? This guy is too much!)

Great lovers don't memorize complicated techniques; they master the simple things that give women pleasure. How do they know what makes their woman go crazy and fantasize about them? Good lovers open their eyes and observe, observe, observe; and when they're unsure, they simply ask. (Disclaimer: It may be hard to hear an actual woman’s response over the loud lesbian porn being broadcasted from Player’s TV.)

Please, Player, do us all a favor and join the priesthood.

1 comment:

Marti Abernathey said...

I could write about how to please a man or a woman... but it would only be a short paragraph. 1. Think about pleasing the other person (ie stop playing with yourself/stop thinking about getting yourself off). 2. pay attention.

But you can't sell too many magazines with that paragraph. :)