Thursday, January 04, 2007

A Public Service Announcement: Lock it Up Girls

The fashion industry clearly has a hidden agenda against American women. In 2006, the “supposedly fashionable” bamboozled us with their shock and awe campaign. Layers and layers of ugliness were passed down from previous generations and brought back with a vengeance. Trite over-done trends from 2005 endured on clearance racks around the country, and like Joan Rivers with her plastic surgeon, we fully participated and gave our approval during this siege of ugliness. I, myself, was not exempt from the wave of repulsiveness. I also bought the skinny jeans, big jewelry, boho skirts, and hideously large belts. God save me! I need some retail therapy. But I must stay away from these institutions of bad style (i.e. malls).
Girls, do not let these fancy-ass designers fool you. These trends are completely inappropriate for the average woman and look just plain ridiculous on the majority of us. Save your money, or invest wisely, but for god’s sake, avoid the mall at all costs!
Here are some of THEE most offensive fashion trends from the last few years. I shudder when I remember. Ugh.

1) Wide Waist Belts

A personal gross-out favorite of mine, these belts draw attention to the most conspicuous part of body, the midsection. Wide Waist belts are extremely offensive on women who have hips or breasts. Emancipated little boy bodies need only apply here.

2) Baby Doll Dresses

These dresses were obviously created for child molesters. Grown women in infantile clothing is never a good idea.

3) Skinny Jeans/Pants

The most uncomfortable pants imaginable paired with the most hideously strategically placed heels make for a terrible combination. Pear-shaped women look as if they’ve been forced into what is possibly the most rancid jean ever: The Mom Jean.

4) Horrendously Large Hand-Bags

If one’s hand bag is bigger than one’s head, I propose a day should be reserved simply for throwing shit out. Bigger isn’t always better, clean out the purses ladies and downsize!

5) Ugg Boots

True to their name, ugly boots do not make the woman. On little stick thin legs, they make us look like we have huge polar bear feet and severely distort the rest of the body.

6) Boho Skirts

These circa 1960 skirts do nothing for us ladies. They are dumpy, frumy, and lumpy. Leave the table cloth at home.

7) Chunky Accessory Overload

Whoa Fergie- lock it up girl! This is an example of why all movie stars should fire their overpaid stylists. Trendy McTrenderson take a break from it.

Finally, this last picture sort of brings it all together. All gross-out trends have been melded together here to form one dreadful combination of fashion faux pas piled on top of one another.

Let’s all raise our glasses to the hope that in 07’ we see some improvement. Designers beware, we’re on to ya.

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